seagull syndrome? What the heck is it?
What people don’t know about caregiving
When I talk about caregiving, many individuals wind up caregiving their parents/guardians or elders who have helped raise them. The biggest group of caregivers are midlifers caring for their aging parents. The other group that is often forgotten is comprised of young adults in their 20s, who their grandparents or older family members raised because their parents were unable to raise them for some reason.
What no one tells you about caregiving
You will have relatives and family friends, supposedly friends, who will come for your throat. Out of nowhere, they will criticize your caregiving choices, from the doctors you've chosen to the meals you're serving your loved one. They will say, "What are you doing? "Why are you doing this? It would be best if you had done this. You should have done that.
This behavior actually has a name. It's called the seagull effect or seagull syndrome, which is aptly titled. The name reflects the behavior of seagulls. And we all know what seagulls do. They fly in and shit all over your space. In the space of caregiving, seagulls show up out of nowhere and crap all over the work you've done.
Who are your seagulls?
Please understand that this behavior is typical. It crosses cultures. It crosses races and religions. I spent 12 years going to different hospitals, and while in waiting rooms, I spoke to several people, and those who were caregivers all described the same happenings. I chatted with people of different backgrounds, and everybody got hit with it, especially if you're the primary caregiver.
Who is a primary caregiver?
Let me define primary caregiver. The primary caregiver is the person tasked with the majority of the responsibility of caring for someone who can no longer independently care for themselves. Seagulls should also understand that simply because someone lives with the person needing care does not mean they are the primary caregiver. I've heard plenty of accounts of adult children living with a parent in need of caregiving, but someone outside of the home is doing the primary caregiving.
Trigger warning
Your first encounter with a seagull will often come as a shock. You will be caught off guard and immediately feel triggered. You may even say something, in the moment, to the effect of "How would you know?" or "Well, where have you and this concern been?" When you are faced with this, you will need to take a breath because it will elevate your blood pressure. You're going to get angry and think about the tasks you perform as a caregiver, like going to the store to buy underwear, taking your loved one to the doctor, or taking them out to the park so they can enjoy a moment not filled with their illness or doctors. This trip to the park involves putting the wheelchair in the back of the car and pulling it out. They're not doing any of that work, but they have a lot of opinions.
So, after you've taken a breath or two, in this moment, offer them the option to help. You can say this; "Perhaps you take (insert name) to the doctor tomorrow and that way I can stay home and clean the house and get on a Zoom call. It would make my life easier. So how about you do that? Can you do that for me? I'd really appreciate it."
Seagull Opportunities
If you don't want to ask them to help in this way, I've created a list of Seagull Caregiving Opportunities that you can download and simply hand to them. It covers everything from household chores to financial help to emotional well-being moments to enjoy with your loved one.
Simply ask them to choose something from the list.
Please understand that more than likely, they will come up with an excuse. The common reason is that they don't have time and must work. Not that you don't have to work and figure out how to make a living around all of this, but they're going to come up with excuses not to help. With the Seagull Caregiving Opportunities List in hand, you will feel better and less stressed knowing that you have given plenty of choices for them to show their concern.
Moving forward, these seagulls may still want to act out and nitpick your efforts. If this is the case, you may need to establish a firm boundary and not engage with them. It's for your sanity and to keep your home peaceful while you're doing your best to keep your loved one comfortable and at peace.
Just click the button below for your Seagull Opportunities List.
If you find this article helpful and would like to share your caregiving experience, please feel free to leave a comment.
